some strange time of night or early in the dawning
what if i reached you and we talked all morning
this might be real enough to be the start of something

the anesthetic lure of apathy
nothing breeds nothing like nothing else

swimming in grace \where can I put my face
I’m hiding from things I can’t stand to melt into and stream

and I am watching you and I love your light and it spirals into the faraway

i miss you

bjork's in my head today

I miss you
But I haven't met you yet
So special
But it hasn't happened yet
You are gorgeous
But I haven't met you yet
I remember
But it hasn't happened yet

And if you believe in dreams
Or what is more important
That a dream can come true
I, I will meet you
I was peaking
But it hasn't happened yet
I haven't been given
My best souvenir
I miss you
But I haven't met you yet
I know your habits
But wouldn't recognize you yet

And if you believe in dreams
Or what is more important
That a dream can come true
I miss you
I'm so impatient
I can't stand the wait
When will I get my cuddle?
Who are you?
I know by now that you'll arrive
I'll bide the time till I stop waiting
I miss you

listen to it

yum :)

nectarines taste like summer
and mangoes taste like christmas

it's behind you!

what are you looking for?
i can promise you it's not here
you can stare into a screen all you like

didn't you hear me?
what you're looking for is not here
it doesn't exist on the magical internets

no matter how hard you search
or how clever you get at google
a million miles of wires won't bring you any closer

but you're welcome to waste your heart away looking...

let go

why do i do that thing
where i push people away
and close the door
just as they start to get close?

why do i act busy?
close off my heart
stop reaching out
and hide behind a smile

why do i shut them out
just when they're starting to reach in?
nod and look away
too icecool to fall
as if i have other things on my mind

cause all that's on my mind
is a stupid energy sapping fog
that drinks faith
swallows up trust
breeds doubt
and is made of nothing

pick

so
that was a crap meeting.
turns out it's not going to get any better at all
it's just going to get worse, again
by her design
(thanks a fucking lot)

all i needed was an ounce of faith in me
to prove that doing what i do isn't a complete waste of time
energy talent love loyalty
my stupid altruistic heart
thought that wasn't too much to ask

so now i have more crossroads
starker than ever
wonder how many times life will smack me round the head with choices if i keep choosing roads that aren't the path towards living
no not even that....not even choosing but dodging the idea completely
staying in apathy and limbo
things are just going to keep elevating until i can't not choose.

gift

let me lend you my light
(seeing as that's what i do)
let me share my smile
and lift you into the world

when it's good it's very very good
the giving gives light in return
(when its bad it's horrid
and the empty feelings burn)

you called me a servant
which may be true - but i am not a slave
everyone serves something
named or un-named

wrists

come into the dark, my friend
sit here for a while
i'll watch for lights behind your eyes
and sudden speechless smiles

come over the wall, my friend
where there is all and none
where i and he and we and me
dissolve without the sun

come into the alley, sweet
keep your eyes ahead
all behind’s forgotten now
everything’s been said

come behind the door, my dear
step over that line
sit quite still, and hold your breath
(for we can cheat a little death)
let yourself be mine

hairku

i chopped off my hair!
a foot-long plait in my hands
both alive and dead

circles

i've been fighting this
for so long
that it's making me hard
and i'd really rather stay soft
and be love

rest in peace

Death is nothing at all
I have only slipped away into the next room
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other
That we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name
Speak to me in the easy way which you always used
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes
We enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me,
Let my name be ever the household word that
It always was.
Let it be spoken without effort,
Without the trace of a shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant
It is the same as it ever was
There is absolutely unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am
Out of sight? I am but waiting for you
For an interval
Somewhere very near
Just around the corner .
All is well.

electronica

recipie for a strange day
(modern)

talk to someone you love
finish a project you hate
wish your father a happy birthday
find out a close friend died
hug someone you respect

none of them in the flesh.

what are we becoming?

the future's orange :)

the future's brighter than bright
i just wish it wasn't so clear
next time i ask
maybe the sisters could be a little more fuzzy
about showing off their fatestrings

but wait, you could be wrong!
ah, my love, my heart, you're ever the optimist
yes, dearheart, perhaps i'm turned about
and seeing skewed
if that's true
then i have to doubt the rest of me
and the rest of see
and the way to be
......so which is less fraught?

hush.
now.
go forward in love
take the thread she hands you
with thanks
and blessings
and live

meh

everything feels tired
tastes grey
looks flattened
colours and movement all with a pale film of grey
that doesn't melt away
when i blink
or shake my head

although!
it all rushes back like the wizard of oz
when i laugh out loud

on the boil

i'm so cheerful ALL the time
everybody says so
helpful friendly smiley me
ain't that grand

most of the time it's over
a simmering anger
that's there ALL the time
that makes me kick things
and slam doors
when i think noone is looking.

a plague on vision

Want to buy some illusions
Slightly used, second-hand?
They were lovely illusions,
Reaching high, built on sand.
They had a touch of paradise,
A spell you can't explain,
For in this crazy paradise
You are in love with pain.
Want to buy some illusions
Slightly used, just like new?
Such romantic illusions,
And they're all about you.
Too bad they all fell apart
Like dreams often do.
They were lovely illusions,
But they just wouldn't come true.
Slightly used, just like new,
Such romantic illusions
And they're all about you.
I'd sell them all for a penny,
They make pretty souvenirs.
Take my lovely illusions,
Some for laughs, some for tears.

connect call

in my dream
i'm sitting on a hallstand
calling you in the dark
to say: guess what?
(actually i say: you can have two guesses. no, one.)

but it shifted
and was my own dream not someone else's
which wasn't london at all
but that tiny place in new york
at the back of nowhere
where i was
working for a cause i knew was firey right
and for people i believed in

it woke me up - my heart
it was my beating so hard
that i was sure you could hear it too

system overload

i thought we had a system
you and me
a simple scale
of want and be
(and oh so modern!)
you’re quite the revolutionary
walking down country road preen
you never took anything by storm

so these maddening twitches
don’t tell me anything they just take me inside myself
crystal itches
just flashings wordless warnings
of a future i wasn’t there for
of a past that isn’t mine
that girl
is all spirit and that
one is all heart and
that one hides in nada nil nothingness

the system doesn’t work

crack open crack
wort wrought wrung out washed down whichaway
overdose of overcare

nothing is good or bad than thinking makes it so
but horatio hadn’t heard the medium is the message
and it’s all in my head.

manage this

i hate being put in my place
patted on the head
good girl
taken for granted
it makes me boiling angry
and i still don't know how to use my anger to grow
it just writhes inside me and i scowl at the world pointlessly
as though it cares

shoulds

you should have met me with joy and not left me waiting alone
you should have hugged me liked you'd missed me
or even just looked me in the eye
you should've asked how my trip was, but you were excited about you
that's ok
to take joy in yourself is important
but you really should've told me there'd been other people here
not let me wheedle it out of you in the bedroom
and then you should have used the emotions rather than completely ignore them and gone on to change the subject
you should have at least pretended you wanted to spend time with me
or that i'd been missed
but "should"
is a li'l bit of an evil word
and totally subjective...they're just things that i want
and wish for
and can't change
and shouldn't try to.

shifting heartsand

yesterday i found out he is getting married!
and last night i dreamt about you who died, not talking, no words, just silent eyes
i kissed your lips and then you left
and i had to use my own devices...but remember not to try and follow
even though i wish i could talk to you every other day.
absorb the loss and move on they say. as though it's something that's possible, how can you possibly? love expands your heart and when pieces of it are taken away i'm still left with the capacity. it either feels empty or is filled by your memory or you try and fit parts of others inside.
which is impossible to do and impossible not to do.

steal away

steely grey hard edged day
everything is brittle but i can slide along smooth edges and the sinewy unreal links
between people and players
real politic flicking
this ISN'T REAL but then again what is? we define our own realities or we pay someone else to dream them up for us! let me dream you a new illusion, one that you like, let's play this off against his thoughts and words and battle it out in newsprint.
it's SOUL-WRENCHINGLY important! really!
and yet today's crisis will line tomorrow's cat litter trays
nana will wrap scraps in the shreds of your credibility
while we write the new world.

dying in denial

fuck. he's dying. just a few months to live.
what the hell would i do with just a few months to live?
anyway that's not really the point. the point is fuck, he's dying. and coping with it by trying every available cure on the market....absolutely everything from chemotherapy to chinese medicine to illegal drugs. but it's so advanced that it's probably not going to do anything, at best it will extend his life for another month or two...while his wife and kids watch him focus on the disease on not the last remaining time they have with him. it's all come so suddenly and there's nothing i or anyone can do to make him snap out of it, this is *just* like an addiction, it's just a complicated form of denial, run away from the real issue - you are going to die - and focus on a thousand other things in the day to day, the next cure, the latest idea, it's just the same as the next fix. prolonging hope with false idols for another day. fuck. take a holiday. see your family. remember what love feels like. remember what living feels like. not just cause you're going to wish you had, but because you're killing everyone around you as well.

discovery

I found something today i shouldn't own, shouldn't have, and got this amazing rush of excitement, ridiculous childish awe at something that’s a guilty forbidden pleasure, oh! what if he sees it and oh! perhaps I want him to. perhaps i want the whole damn world to see. because I think i want someone to find me out, find out the real me and smack it senseless into beliving and doing and maybe even FEELING again cause even hatred is better than this empy gloaming roaming nothingness that grows and gradually takes over everything.
perhaps that why i was so excited by my discovery, anything that's going to hurt me sends a rush of blood to my head but why? what good is self destruction? is it a physical manifestation of what your heart is doing (dying)? or am i trying to hurt those around me too, ha, this will show them, they'll wish they were exactly like i wanted them to be when i'm gone, oh, except i never told them what i wanted they just had to guess it....
i was spoiled by you, you could see my heart and finish my sentences and we would laugh until our stomachs ached and we gasped for air. then i remembered that the rest of the world wasn't like that - they couldn't see what i was thinking! amazing! if i didn't TELL them how i felt - or even better, i could just tell them what i wanted them to think?? - then they never knew anything other! it's like magic.
strange cruel magic...because suddenly when i'm sitting enthroned alone crowing over the oh-so-clever cage i've made for myself...it isn't what i wanted after all.
that's ok! i'll just walk down these steps into the beautiful throng crowd and let my barriers fall down in glorious lightfalls around me.
wait.
why isn't it working?
i made them, why can't i break them down?