discovery

I found something today i shouldn't own, shouldn't have, and got this amazing rush of excitement, ridiculous childish awe at something that’s a guilty forbidden pleasure, oh! what if he sees it and oh! perhaps I want him to. perhaps i want the whole damn world to see. because I think i want someone to find me out, find out the real me and smack it senseless into beliving and doing and maybe even FEELING again cause even hatred is better than this empy gloaming roaming nothingness that grows and gradually takes over everything.
perhaps that why i was so excited by my discovery, anything that's going to hurt me sends a rush of blood to my head but why? what good is self destruction? is it a physical manifestation of what your heart is doing (dying)? or am i trying to hurt those around me too, ha, this will show them, they'll wish they were exactly like i wanted them to be when i'm gone, oh, except i never told them what i wanted they just had to guess it....
i was spoiled by you, you could see my heart and finish my sentences and we would laugh until our stomachs ached and we gasped for air. then i remembered that the rest of the world wasn't like that - they couldn't see what i was thinking! amazing! if i didn't TELL them how i felt - or even better, i could just tell them what i wanted them to think?? - then they never knew anything other! it's like magic.
strange cruel magic...because suddenly when i'm sitting enthroned alone crowing over the oh-so-clever cage i've made for myself...it isn't what i wanted after all.
that's ok! i'll just walk down these steps into the beautiful throng crowd and let my barriers fall down in glorious lightfalls around me.
wait.
why isn't it working?
i made them, why can't i break them down?