hush

i...
have all these things to say
but i stay dumb
i...
have all these thoughts to heal
but they won't come
i...
have all these things to feel
but i choose numb

nothing happens unless someone pries me open. what a copout.

if i just...
stopped fighting
stopped locking doors
stopped hardening
stopped frightening.
if i just...
reach out, and touch a fingertip to yours
it might come loose.

do i dare, disturb the universe? :)

someone your own age

dammit, i really hate it when people find out my age. it's a friggin' relationship ruiner. if i was a different sort of person i'd lie. but i can’t.
first they go... "oh! that's…oh! what, really?? no? really?" for ages - took me ten minutes to convince someone the other day, "oh! but you couldn't possibly have done all the things you've done!"...umm, ok...would you like me to make up a different number?
then they spend the rest of the interaction being surprised and amazed and bringing it up. or depending on the person, you can feel them drawing back their feelers like a frightened snail. and i feel like a fraud, as though i've been pulling the wool over their eyes all this time when we've been having this amazing connection, cause how could i possibly? being such a babe? sigh. not my fault i connected.
and then i get paranoid about being patronized, even if they do it just the tiniest bit. ok, so that’s an achilles heel of mine, but i can’t help it. it makes me so mad. workwise it shits me, too - sure, age might equal wisdom, but there's no correlation that means i can't actually do the job. proof of that is in, er, being able to do the damn job, surely.
oof. so most of the people i actually enjoy talking to, being with, or who i have to deal with on a work day are older than me. so?? i tend not to even ask; why does it matter? i always feel a bit like saying, how about you swap 'young' for 'women' or maybe even 'black'? then you might see how i feel. "oh! really? you achieved all that stuff? but you're a woman!! gosh!"
sigh.

That Call

i'm terrified that one day i'm going to get That Call. it keeps me from sleeping, sits in my guts like dead ice and makes my stomach roil. it keeps getting closer and more likely; these days i tense when the phone rings. sometimes when i do sleep, i dream about it coming, hearing the words and staring in shock, or crumbling into a ball. not weeping, though; that's never inside the dreams. i save that for sitting on my steps and staring at the stars and feeling frustrated, and a very long way away ... and like i can't do anything. but i can't not try. you're damned either way.
after those dreams i wake up tearful, but it's not for That Call, it's for the guilt; hating my subconscious for creating, for wishing it would happen. how could i possibly?? that's evil! because...that's movement. of some kind. change. just anything to break the cycle. i'd stop being frightened, at least. something. anything.
but gods, that's a horrible thing to wish. like i need another reason to get all self-hatey on myself. ugh.
there must be something i can do. there will be. it will come to me. i hope it comes before the call.

bad idea

ever get that feeling you're going to go right ahead and do that thing anyhow, every though it's really, actually, a pretty bad idea? yep. that'd be me. gut feeling? what gut feeling? i can deny anything, i've had years of practice :)