ow

i got home early (from a shoot) today. and sat down, and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried.

i'm not sure i can do this. smile and lie for the next six weeks.it hurts.

centred...?

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,

I feel like I'm losing my focus, my centre. Scattering, coming adrift. Hardly touching or connecting to anything. Losing sight of what grounds me, a centre...I'm not sure where to turn to find it again.

reading material

Adult Children of alcoholics:
guess at what normal is.
have difficulty in following a project through from beginning to end.
lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
judge themselves without mercy.
have difficulty having fun.
take themselves very seriously.
have difficulty with intimate relationships.
overreact to changes over which they have no control.
feel that they are different from other people.
are either super responsible or super irresponsible.
are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that loyalty is undeserved.

and/or characteristics:
Difficulty with identity issues related to seeking constantly the affirmation and approval of others.
Frightened by personal criticism.
Overdeveloped sense of responsibility. Concerned about the needs of others to the degree of neglecting your own wants and needs (a protective behaviour for avoiding a good look at yourself and taking responsibility to identify and resolve your own personal difficulties.)
Feelings of guilt associated with standing up for your rights. It is easier to give into the demands of others.
An addiction to excitement. Feeling a need to be on the edge, and risk-taking behaviours.
A tendency to confuse feelings of love and pity.
Avoidance of feelings related to traumatic childhood experiences. Unable to feel or express feelings because it is frightening and/or painful and overwhelming. Denial of feelings.
Low self-esteem. A tendency to judge yourself harshly and be perfectionistic and self-critical.
Strong dependency needs and terrified of abandonment. Will do almost anything to hold onto a relationship in order to avoid the fear and pain of abandonment.
Dysfunctional relationships, denial, fearful, avoidance of feelings, poor coping, poor problem solving, afraid that others will find out what you are really like, etc.
A chameleon. A tendency to be what others want you to be instead of being yourself. A lack of honesty with yourself and others.