light

oh, yes, that's right. that was the really good reason not to fall again. because the light it casts throws everything into sharp relief, and suddenly you can see all the gaps and holes. and aching voids. are they always there? just patched over with little cobwebs of denial? glossed and daubed with a carefully balanced apathy that seems real enough to dance on most of the time. because underneath is far too real.
i wonder...if you could live in the deep of the underneath all the time. and not got mad? probably not. it would be too intoxicating. or maybe there isn't a division, really. 'praps it’s all the same, just different angles. different light. falling at different times of the day...or night. ha, that reminds me of
O chestnut-tree, great-rooted blossomer,
Are you the leaf, the blossom or the bole?
O body swayed to music, O brightening glance,
How can we know the dancer from the dance?

awake

sometimes
when i stay up (like this)
(for days)
or, at least, a night and a day and a night and a day
i wonder whether you even realise that i'm not sleeping next to you.

prank call.

hey, you.
gutless wonder
why not
have the guts to say
i know what it is you want, but i can't give it to you.
or
there is something i need to say, but i can't find it.
or even
i can see where it is you ache, but i can't even deal with my own pain, let alone someone else's.
and
why not
have the guts to not be afraid of people loving you. especially loving you in different ways.there are lots, you know. they don't all require you to give away part of your soul.
or not.
stay up there and away, it's easier anyway.
so, are you ever going to actually engage? yeah, me neither. it's way easier just to float along the surface of the plebs below and graze when you need to. they'll never know, right?
isn't it such a damn drag when everyone else is so inferior?
stay disengaged, bubble, disconnected. hangup.
hangups! oh, yes. yes, people are so transparent, aren't they? you can put your fingers right through in some places.

argument

i shouldn’t compare
i shouldn’t set you up to fail
i shouldn’t create tests in my mind
thinking you should say ‘this’ when i say ‘that’
and crumbling when i don’t get what i ask for

i shouldn't hope that one day you will just love me, and say just the right thing
should i?

my bright companion

ONLY in my deep heart I love you, sweetest heart.
Many another vesture hath the soul, I pray
Call me not forth from this. If from the light I part
Only with clay I cling unto the clay.

And ah! my bright companion, you and I must go
Our ways, unfolding lonely glories, not out own,
Nor from each other gathered, but an inward glow
Breathed by the Lone One on the seeker lone.

If for the heart’s own sake we break the heart, we may
When the last ruby drop dissolves in diamond light
Meet in a deeper vesture in another day.
Until that dawn, dear heart, good-night, good-night.

fly away home

sometimes i think it would be nice to have people when they are flying high and at their peak.

so often i come to people when they in the dark, or in a rut, or have lost their way somehow. and we work through where they’re at, or try to, and i am happy to delve if it helps, it makes me explore myself too. all of which is good. but sometimes i wonder if it would be nice to *also* have the happy flying yay and smiling times…. rather than just sending healed hawks out to zoom around with the others and watching like some stupid big-sister figure from the window. why can’t i go out and play too? well? what stops you?

i'm sure i don’t go looking with that goal in my head…to heal and hand over. i think. nor do i go looking for the lost and the lonely. well, i don’t think i do. i used to wonder if i somehow searched out the saddened because i needed to see problems that i could fix, hearts that could be heartened. well, i can’t fix them. like my own fixings, all that has to come from inside. i suppose i can lend my mining gear :)

but still. i wonder what it is that i project that says, over here! and then, game over, insert coin. if i could find it, and pinch it off at the source, i'd probably make people a whole lot less uncomfortable.

...that thinking makes it so

what do you expect of people?
what do you expect when you talk to someone?
enter a deal? a conversation? a contract?
share a joke?
how do your expectations alter what you get out of the interaction?
how do they shape how you feel about it afterwards? during?
if you reach out, do you expect to be responded to?
will you reach out anyway, if you get no response?
for how long?

:)

talking to you
makes me feel like i can change the world :)

live, love, laugh

"The best art and writing is almost like an assignment; it is so vibrant that you feel compelled to make something in response. Suddenly it is clear what you have to do. For a brief moment it seems wonderfully easy to live and love and create breathtaking things....in a sense, these are assignments -- in the same way that the ocean gives the assignment of breathing deeply, and kissing instructs us to stop thinking."

I like this project. Simple things. >> learning to love you more

i will find the strength somewhere.

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centred;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, People may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

betrayed

and you can tell you've been hiding from your pain
by the way that you say your name

i really need to shake off this thing, this feeling of betrayal. it's just...energy sucking.

not paving

apparently tis the season to resurface. a whole bunch of people popped out of the woodwork recently. some friends, some, more than friends. some not very friendly. people i sort of thought i wouldn't see again. well....that's not completely true. but it was unexpected anyway.
i'm wondering whether i reached out and opened up and made that happen. or if it was just...serendipity. or something.

and...i'm not all that sure how to move. how do you move forward, after moving on, while looking back?
maybe you just don't look back at all. just forge ahead and see what's there in the here and the now.

tightrope walk

soo.....i either get lost in my own nothing or drown in someone else's everything.
how do you balance, again?