system overload

i thought we had a system
you and me
a simple scale
of want and be
(and oh so modern!)
you’re quite the revolutionary
walking down country road preen
you never took anything by storm

so these maddening twitches
don’t tell me anything they just take me inside myself
crystal itches
just flashings wordless warnings
of a future i wasn’t there for
of a past that isn’t mine
that girl
is all spirit and that
one is all heart and
that one hides in nada nil nothingness

the system doesn’t work

crack open crack
wort wrought wrung out washed down whichaway
overdose of overcare

nothing is good or bad than thinking makes it so
but horatio hadn’t heard the medium is the message
and it’s all in my head.

manage this

i hate being put in my place
patted on the head
good girl
taken for granted
it makes me boiling angry
and i still don't know how to use my anger to grow
it just writhes inside me and i scowl at the world pointlessly
as though it cares

shoulds

you should have met me with joy and not left me waiting alone
you should have hugged me liked you'd missed me
or even just looked me in the eye
you should've asked how my trip was, but you were excited about you
that's ok
to take joy in yourself is important
but you really should've told me there'd been other people here
not let me wheedle it out of you in the bedroom
and then you should have used the emotions rather than completely ignore them and gone on to change the subject
you should have at least pretended you wanted to spend time with me
or that i'd been missed
but "should"
is a li'l bit of an evil word
and totally subjective...they're just things that i want
and wish for
and can't change
and shouldn't try to.

shifting heartsand

yesterday i found out he is getting married!
and last night i dreamt about you who died, not talking, no words, just silent eyes
i kissed your lips and then you left
and i had to use my own devices...but remember not to try and follow
even though i wish i could talk to you every other day.
absorb the loss and move on they say. as though it's something that's possible, how can you possibly? love expands your heart and when pieces of it are taken away i'm still left with the capacity. it either feels empty or is filled by your memory or you try and fit parts of others inside.
which is impossible to do and impossible not to do.

steal away

steely grey hard edged day
everything is brittle but i can slide along smooth edges and the sinewy unreal links
between people and players
real politic flicking
this ISN'T REAL but then again what is? we define our own realities or we pay someone else to dream them up for us! let me dream you a new illusion, one that you like, let's play this off against his thoughts and words and battle it out in newsprint.
it's SOUL-WRENCHINGLY important! really!
and yet today's crisis will line tomorrow's cat litter trays
nana will wrap scraps in the shreds of your credibility
while we write the new world.