dying in denial

fuck. he's dying. just a few months to live.
what the hell would i do with just a few months to live?
anyway that's not really the point. the point is fuck, he's dying. and coping with it by trying every available cure on the market....absolutely everything from chemotherapy to chinese medicine to illegal drugs. but it's so advanced that it's probably not going to do anything, at best it will extend his life for another month or two...while his wife and kids watch him focus on the disease on not the last remaining time they have with him. it's all come so suddenly and there's nothing i or anyone can do to make him snap out of it, this is *just* like an addiction, it's just a complicated form of denial, run away from the real issue - you are going to die - and focus on a thousand other things in the day to day, the next cure, the latest idea, it's just the same as the next fix. prolonging hope with false idols for another day. fuck. take a holiday. see your family. remember what love feels like. remember what living feels like. not just cause you're going to wish you had, but because you're killing everyone around you as well.

discovery

I found something today i shouldn't own, shouldn't have, and got this amazing rush of excitement, ridiculous childish awe at something that’s a guilty forbidden pleasure, oh! what if he sees it and oh! perhaps I want him to. perhaps i want the whole damn world to see. because I think i want someone to find me out, find out the real me and smack it senseless into beliving and doing and maybe even FEELING again cause even hatred is better than this empy gloaming roaming nothingness that grows and gradually takes over everything.
perhaps that why i was so excited by my discovery, anything that's going to hurt me sends a rush of blood to my head but why? what good is self destruction? is it a physical manifestation of what your heart is doing (dying)? or am i trying to hurt those around me too, ha, this will show them, they'll wish they were exactly like i wanted them to be when i'm gone, oh, except i never told them what i wanted they just had to guess it....
i was spoiled by you, you could see my heart and finish my sentences and we would laugh until our stomachs ached and we gasped for air. then i remembered that the rest of the world wasn't like that - they couldn't see what i was thinking! amazing! if i didn't TELL them how i felt - or even better, i could just tell them what i wanted them to think?? - then they never knew anything other! it's like magic.
strange cruel magic...because suddenly when i'm sitting enthroned alone crowing over the oh-so-clever cage i've made for myself...it isn't what i wanted after all.
that's ok! i'll just walk down these steps into the beautiful throng crowd and let my barriers fall down in glorious lightfalls around me.
wait.
why isn't it working?
i made them, why can't i break them down?