sometimes

i wish, i wish, i wish, sometimes, that i just did not love you so much.

what is this thing?

...that sits on my chest and makes it hard to breathe?
...that clenches my throat and pricks my eyes with tears?
...that makes me bite my lips; press nails into my hands; stifle a cry; shake my shuddering spine.

strange. when i write that down on the page, how close it looks to joy.

damn

damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn
damnit all

Here's what my whore escape (horroscope, too) said today. Unusually appropriate. And quite good advice. *boots self back into optimism* there. better :)
How did you end up where you are now? What choice did you make? What contract did you sign? Now, where's your get-out clause? What's the Plan B? How come, if life is supposed to be all about the exercise of free will, that you seem to face so many closed doors, done deals and irrevocable rules? A loophole in one particular law is about to reveal itself. You, though, are so caught up in what's not possible, that you may not be of a mind to recognise your opportunity when it arises. Be optimistic.

love&fear

I bought a Leunig book the other day. It fell open at this.
There are only two feelings, love and fear
There are only two languages, love and fear
There are only two activities, love and fear
There are only two motives, two procedures, two frameworks, two results
Love and fear
Love and fear

...it's good advice. Which motivates you?

blank

things have been so dark lately that i can't even bring myself to write.
and the start of the month came and went.

go west...

well, actually more technically north. next year is the year of the big trip. so say i, as of...oh, the other day. just a decision. is good to have a dream. seeing as rosalind will more than likely be going back to the motherland, among other things...it will be a good time. which means i can start planning. and thinking and ... fantasy-list making :) what to do, best case scenarios; where shall i go? who will i find? maybe even... me? :)

dramatic erratic

Borderline personality disorder, or BPD. Some or all of the following:
1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterised by alternating between extremes of idealisation and devaluation.
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (eg promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse).
5. Recurrent suicidal behaviour, gestures, threats, or self-mutilating behaviour such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars, or picking at oneself.
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (eg intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness, worthlessness.
8. Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (eg displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

again

if you miss the boat, or feel like you have, what should you do?
try and catch the same boat anyway?
or look for a new ride?

20/20

i should have left years ago. before i was so frightened of being alone.

too close for comfort

does familiarity breed contempt? i always used to think so. now i'm not so sure.
:)

hush

i...
have all these things to say
but i stay dumb
i...
have all these thoughts to heal
but they won't come
i...
have all these things to feel
but i choose numb

nothing happens unless someone pries me open. what a copout.

if i just...
stopped fighting
stopped locking doors
stopped hardening
stopped frightening.
if i just...
reach out, and touch a fingertip to yours
it might come loose.

do i dare, disturb the universe? :)

someone your own age

dammit, i really hate it when people find out my age. it's a friggin' relationship ruiner. if i was a different sort of person i'd lie. but i can’t.
first they go... "oh! that's…oh! what, really?? no? really?" for ages - took me ten minutes to convince someone the other day, "oh! but you couldn't possibly have done all the things you've done!"...umm, ok...would you like me to make up a different number?
then they spend the rest of the interaction being surprised and amazed and bringing it up. or depending on the person, you can feel them drawing back their feelers like a frightened snail. and i feel like a fraud, as though i've been pulling the wool over their eyes all this time when we've been having this amazing connection, cause how could i possibly? being such a babe? sigh. not my fault i connected.
and then i get paranoid about being patronized, even if they do it just the tiniest bit. ok, so that’s an achilles heel of mine, but i can’t help it. it makes me so mad. workwise it shits me, too - sure, age might equal wisdom, but there's no correlation that means i can't actually do the job. proof of that is in, er, being able to do the damn job, surely.
oof. so most of the people i actually enjoy talking to, being with, or who i have to deal with on a work day are older than me. so?? i tend not to even ask; why does it matter? i always feel a bit like saying, how about you swap 'young' for 'women' or maybe even 'black'? then you might see how i feel. "oh! really? you achieved all that stuff? but you're a woman!! gosh!"
sigh.

That Call

i'm terrified that one day i'm going to get That Call. it keeps me from sleeping, sits in my guts like dead ice and makes my stomach roil. it keeps getting closer and more likely; these days i tense when the phone rings. sometimes when i do sleep, i dream about it coming, hearing the words and staring in shock, or crumbling into a ball. not weeping, though; that's never inside the dreams. i save that for sitting on my steps and staring at the stars and feeling frustrated, and a very long way away ... and like i can't do anything. but i can't not try. you're damned either way.
after those dreams i wake up tearful, but it's not for That Call, it's for the guilt; hating my subconscious for creating, for wishing it would happen. how could i possibly?? that's evil! because...that's movement. of some kind. change. just anything to break the cycle. i'd stop being frightened, at least. something. anything.
but gods, that's a horrible thing to wish. like i need another reason to get all self-hatey on myself. ugh.
there must be something i can do. there will be. it will come to me. i hope it comes before the call.

bad idea

ever get that feeling you're going to go right ahead and do that thing anyhow, every though it's really, actually, a pretty bad idea? yep. that'd be me. gut feeling? what gut feeling? i can deny anything, i've had years of practice :)

stories

it's funny how ... the stories that you tell are the ones from ages ago. the ones i tell are, anyway. not sure if things seem better through the handy rose the-past lens. or if there's nothing i've done in the last few years that seems interesting. or that i'm proud of. or that i want to admit into the... um, life canon of me. the dinner-party-story version you tell to other people.
if i had to tell the stories of the last 12 months, what would they be? what would i admit to? what would i be proud of? would there be anything?
maybe things need to sit in my head and percolate for a while before i know what they mean, and can articulate them? in the overall lifeline. but that's s sort of rewriting history, and rewriting the way i want me to be.

it doesn't matter.

don't ever say it doesn't matter. i remember my mother crying one morning. and telling me that. don't ever say it doesn't matter. because it does matter, it really does.
but it's such a salve. how on earth can we possibly face the next day? how at all? by it doesn't matter. move on, brush over, look, over there, shiny. that's easier to face than impossible change, or total gloom. up and at 'em, a new day's dawning. time to pretend it doesn't matter.
but it does.

and sometimes, people don't suck.

today was a good day.
it is a good thing to surround yourself with people you love.
it is a good thing to:
reach out;
and ask what you'd like to be asked;
and laugh;
and listen;
and remind them that you love them.
today was a good day.

sigh

oh, i miss girls!

nada?

coming home felt...nothing.
not happy, not sad. not angry. not ecstatic.
just...nothing.
like going back into suspended animation again.
weird.