That Call

i'm terrified that one day i'm going to get That Call. it keeps me from sleeping, sits in my guts like dead ice and makes my stomach roil. it keeps getting closer and more likely; these days i tense when the phone rings. sometimes when i do sleep, i dream about it coming, hearing the words and staring in shock, or crumbling into a ball. not weeping, though; that's never inside the dreams. i save that for sitting on my steps and staring at the stars and feeling frustrated, and a very long way away ... and like i can't do anything. but i can't not try. you're damned either way.
after those dreams i wake up tearful, but it's not for That Call, it's for the guilt; hating my subconscious for creating, for wishing it would happen. how could i possibly?? that's evil! because...that's movement. of some kind. change. just anything to break the cycle. i'd stop being frightened, at least. something. anything.
but gods, that's a horrible thing to wish. like i need another reason to get all self-hatey on myself. ugh.
there must be something i can do. there will be. it will come to me. i hope it comes before the call.