wake

....i just had the strangest dream
that you were real.

a beautiful lofty thing

That crazed girl improvising her music.
Her poetry, dancing upon the shore,
Her soul in division from itself
Climbing, falling she knew not where,
Hiding amid the cargo of a steamship,
Her knee-cap broken, that girl I declare
A beautiful lofty thing, or a thing
Heroically lost, heroically found.

No matter what disaster occurred
She stood in desperate music wound,
Wound, wound, and she made in her triumph
Where the bales and the baskets lay
No common intelligible sound
But sang, 'O sea-starved, hungry sea.'

surface

so…
now i have some bruises
just under my skin
and if i put my fingers here and here
(like so)
it tastes like…midnight

strange, but

love
makes
me
sad

diversity is nuts

before 10am this morning, these had all passed my desk. whew.

squid
bushfires
stem cells
marine ict
squid (*again*, what the hell)
built environment planning
devil facial tumor disease
disposal of human body parts
aggregate media analysis
maritime law
aboriginal remains
innovations research (/mutters...)
aged care
corporate finance
japanese whaling policy

1966

oh my gawwwd!
icky freaky game for girls

things

some heartache/kept me awake

love
i take a very long time to be convinced
(which often makes things too late)
and i was so very sure
that i could live without the big fall

hurt
if i
(pinch of salt, leap of faith)
kiss you on the bits that hurt
will it make everything ok?
will you even feel anything?

heart
absence makes the heart grow fonder
so they say
they don't mention much about the cold
or the empty
or that damned ache where
i miss you so much it hurts

hold
what i have i hold...no, not really
what i have i disbelieve
right up until it does the disbelieving for me
mostly i can hold memories in the palm of my hand
cradle against them for a warm smile
sometimes it's like gripping water...
...the flimsy slips away, i want for the real thing

ache

ache, ache, you live for the ache
that reminds you you're human
and wanted
and alive
but then it snaretears you
and catch-unawares you
and leaves you adrift
staring into the night

i keep getting to the edge and being too afraid to cross over. it's so much easier to keep everyone distanced and boxed up as abstractions...i get bowled over with the shock if i find out someone's actually thinking about *me*.

whispercroon and jazz

i heard this at the end of a french short film, being sung in a jazzy-fem kinda style, and i couldn't pick why i knew it until i realised it was words, not melody. sounds different when elliott smith whispercroons it.

Drink up, baby, stay up all night.
With the things you could do, you won't but you might.
The potential you'll be, that you'll never see.
The promises you'll only make.
Drink up with me now and forget all about the pressure of days.
Do what I say and I'll make you okay and drive them away,
The images stuck in your head.
People you've been before that you don't want around anymore.
That push and shove and won't bend to your will.
I'll keep them still.
Drink up, baby, look at the stars, I'll kiss you again-
Between the bars, where I'm seeing you-
There with your hands in the air, waiting to finally be caught.
Drink up one more time and I'll make you mine.
Keep you apart deep in my heart separate from the rest,
Where I like you the best.
And keep the things you forgot.
The people you've been before that you don't want around anymore.
That push and shove and won't bend to your will.
I'll keep them still.

made in egypt

some or maybe one of my edges
is made of sand
and when i lie down i
can feel myself trickling away into the nothing
grain by
grain by
grain.
sometimes it tickles and i just
idly wonder
when it will all flow back
other times
it makes me forget how to play

some strange time of night or early in the dawning
what if i reached you and we talked all morning
this might be real enough to be the start of something

the anesthetic lure of apathy
nothing breeds nothing like nothing else

swimming in grace \where can I put my face
I’m hiding from things I can’t stand to melt into and stream

and I am watching you and I love your light and it spirals into the faraway

i miss you

bjork's in my head today

I miss you
But I haven't met you yet
So special
But it hasn't happened yet
You are gorgeous
But I haven't met you yet
I remember
But it hasn't happened yet

And if you believe in dreams
Or what is more important
That a dream can come true
I, I will meet you
I was peaking
But it hasn't happened yet
I haven't been given
My best souvenir
I miss you
But I haven't met you yet
I know your habits
But wouldn't recognize you yet

And if you believe in dreams
Or what is more important
That a dream can come true
I miss you
I'm so impatient
I can't stand the wait
When will I get my cuddle?
Who are you?
I know by now that you'll arrive
I'll bide the time till I stop waiting
I miss you

listen to it

yum :)

nectarines taste like summer
and mangoes taste like christmas

it's behind you!

what are you looking for?
i can promise you it's not here
you can stare into a screen all you like

didn't you hear me?
what you're looking for is not here
it doesn't exist on the magical internets

no matter how hard you search
or how clever you get at google
a million miles of wires won't bring you any closer

but you're welcome to waste your heart away looking...

let go

why do i do that thing
where i push people away
and close the door
just as they start to get close?

why do i act busy?
close off my heart
stop reaching out
and hide behind a smile

why do i shut them out
just when they're starting to reach in?
nod and look away
too icecool to fall
as if i have other things on my mind

cause all that's on my mind
is a stupid energy sapping fog
that drinks faith
swallows up trust
breeds doubt
and is made of nothing

pick

so
that was a crap meeting.
turns out it's not going to get any better at all
it's just going to get worse, again
by her design
(thanks a fucking lot)

all i needed was an ounce of faith in me
to prove that doing what i do isn't a complete waste of time
energy talent love loyalty
my stupid altruistic heart
thought that wasn't too much to ask

so now i have more crossroads
starker than ever
wonder how many times life will smack me round the head with choices if i keep choosing roads that aren't the path towards living
no not even that....not even choosing but dodging the idea completely
staying in apathy and limbo
things are just going to keep elevating until i can't not choose.

gift

let me lend you my light
(seeing as that's what i do)
let me share my smile
and lift you into the world

when it's good it's very very good
the giving gives light in return
(when its bad it's horrid
and the empty feelings burn)

you called me a servant
which may be true - but i am not a slave
everyone serves something
named or un-named

wrists

come into the dark, my friend
sit here for a while
i'll watch for lights behind your eyes
and sudden speechless smiles

come over the wall, my friend
where there is all and none
where i and he and we and me
dissolve without the sun

come into the alley, sweet
keep your eyes ahead
all behind’s forgotten now
everything’s been said

come behind the door, my dear
step over that line
sit quite still, and hold your breath
(for we can cheat a little death)
let yourself be mine

hairku

i chopped off my hair!
a foot-long plait in my hands
both alive and dead

circles

i've been fighting this
for so long
that it's making me hard
and i'd really rather stay soft
and be love